Jaded

Getting almost 60 hours at work this week. Still trying to pay off my debt. Ugh. Can I just win the lottery already?! I am keeping Lily home from daycare tomorrow so I can spend some time with her, I'm hoping Evelyn's school district cancels school too. There's a chance of snow and sleet, here in south Texas everything shuts down bc people don't know how to drive in snow. I don't know how people live in cold weather. I grew up in San Antonio where summer lasts 8+ months a year. All I want to do is stay inside! Last time it snowed here Lily was a few weeks old, 3 years later Evey is really hoping it snows again. I digress.
Only got 3 hrs of sleep after getting off work this morning. I think I've accepted the fact that I'm always going to be tired, for me being tired goes hand in hand with being overly emotional. Work hasn't been helping, we've had some really sad situations lately. I've become jaded, my empathy for people is dwindling.  You see people from all walks if life but it really gets me when good people have bad things happen to them. Like when someone gets hurt at work or helping others. Then you have the complete opposite end of the spectrum like our typical criminal. Last night, we had a pt who was declared brain dead, no family wanted to visit him. When I was a new nurse, I would have sat and held his hand until his heart stopped beating. I've seen so many bad things in my years as a nurse that I wasn't compelled to do that. I stayed in the room bc I felt bad for the guy but in the back of my mind I wondered what did this guy do to make his family not want to be there. One instance that sticks in my mind is of a pt that we worked so hard to save, massive transfusions, all heroic measures that could be taken were taken, but in the end it was futile. Come to find out, he was a repeat pedophile that preyed on young children and was being sent back to jail so he killed himself. I truly believe when people die alone, there has to be a reason.
I've got my eye on a couple of PCC (patient care coordinator) positions, it's essentially like an assistant nurse manager/director. If I get the position I would do charge like I do now, with more admin responsibilities. I've been doing bedside nursing for almost 9 years. Working trauma wears on you. I've always been drawn to management, I just think it's time to make that move. I really love doing charge and making decisions that help patient outcomes. I'm ready to make a difference from a different role, just hope it happens sooner than later.  Until then, I just have to keep on trucking and do my best to care for these patients.